


The Revenge of Black Tie

by Caia (Caius)



Category: DCU, JLA
Genre: Bronze Age, Crack, F/M, Humor, Pre-Crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-07-05
Updated: 2004-07-05
Packaged: 2017-10-03 10:12:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caius/pseuds/Caia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"<i>I</i> may be going to prison," said James Cravat, called the Black Tie by the costumed community, "But--" he flourished a ray gun--a tasteful black-and-silver ray gun, but unmistakably a ray gun--that he had pulled from some desk drawer during the preceding exchange, "everyone will know JUST HOW RIDICULOUS YOU TWO LOOK!!!"</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Revenge of Black Tie

**Author's Note:**

> **Continuity note**: no longer takes place in Earth-C, as I [have been informed](http://www.livejournal.com/users/caia_comica/8373.html?thread=63157#t63157) that that's the one with the funny cartoon animals, this, provisionally at least, takes place in Earth-1, that is, PRE-CRISIS, sometime around the early 100s of JLA v.1.

"It's over, Black Tie," said the Emerald Archer, arrow nocked. "We have _proof_ of your involvement in last month's robbery of a rival firm, of your constant _profit-skimming_, of your company's willful destruction of the environment--of enough infractions of the law to keep even a corporate fat cat like you behind bars! Your fancy lawyers won't save you this time!"

"Maybe not, 'Green Arrow'. But James Cravat--_I_ never call myself by a ridiculous nickname--is _sick and tired_ of being chased by a grown man dressed Robin Hood and a _woman_"--indicating Black Canary, who had just strode in the opposite door, having tied up or knocked out a score of security guards and an loyal secretary or two--"dressed like some sort of _prostitute_!"

"You're _hardly_ in a position to make comments about dress sense, Black Tie," said Black Canary.

"And be careful who you call a _prostitute_!" said GA. "That's _my lady_ who just took care of a good hundred thousand dollars worth of _your_ hired muscle."

"_I_ may be going to prison," said James Cravat, called the Black Tie by the costumed community, "But--" he flourished a tasteful black-and-silver ray gun that he had pulled from a desk drawer during the preceding exchange, "everyone will know JUST HOW RIDICULOUS YOU TWO LOOK!!!"

For a split second before GA's boxing glove arrow felled Black Tie, both heroes were bathed in the ray's gleaming purple light.

Ollie and Dinah blinked. "What did _that_ do?" asked GA.

"Well, if Black Tie were still _conscious_ after that arrow of yours, we could ask."

"Hey, I was trying to stop him! Neither of us could get over there in time..."

"_Anyway_, I don't feel any different. Do you?" They looked at each other.

"Holy Hannah!" said GA. "You're wearing my costume!"

"...Why the _hell_ did I go out in fishnet stockings and _high heels_!" exclaimed Black Canary

"Beyond me! And why am _I_ dressed like Robin Hood?!!"

"...Let's tie him up and leave a note for the police. And then--go home and change."

"Anyone catches us like this, and they _will_ know how ridiculous we look...!"

\----

"That was one powerful ray," said Dinah Lance, staring at the costumes in her closet. "All my clothes are too big."

"Holly Hannah! LOOK at all this HAIR!" said Oliver, staring at his bare legs in horror. "A hero's gotta shave better than this, or his tights are gonna look blooming ridiculous!"

"Just don't get carried away and shave off the beard and mustache, Ollie," said Dinah, as her partner stomped into the bathroom.

"Don't worry about that, Bird Lady," he said, pausing to give his lady a kiss. "Give me ten minutes, and I'll be just the way I know you like it."

"Don't take _too_ long," Dinah said, raising her voice to carry into the bathroom and over the electric razor, "It's going to be a two-person job to alter these costumes, if Black Arrow and Green Canary are going to go out any time soon!"

\----

Several hours, a lot of sewing, diverse minced oaths, three or four romantic interludes, and a few visits to specialty shops later, the two heroes finally felt properly dressed. And not a moment too soon, for, as each admired the other's costume and pondered whether it would be worth tearing off again, two JLA signal devices--signaled.

And two jubilant, well-dressed heroes, ready for action, rushed to the nearest teleporter.

\----

"So, Superman, what have you called us here for?" asked the Atom, as Superman lifted him onto his shoulder.

"Have you forgotten? It's our statutory, weekly, 'there's been no emergency this week' administrative meeting."

"It's been a while since we've had one of those--Oh, hello, Hawkman, Hawkgirl."

"Hello, Superman" said Shayera Hol, "Oh, and hello, Atom."

"What is it _this_ time?" said Katar Hol.

"Oh, it's just the standard weekly, no-crisis meeting. A chance to catch up with each other and alleviate our boredom," explained Superman.

"Not a major threat to the planet this time, just a meeting _in case we're bored_?!" asked Hawkman.

"You _were_ pretty bored last night, dear. You were going around ordering innocent _loiterers_ to 'get a job'."

Ray Palmer suppressed laughter. It was one of the advantages of being Earth's Smallest Superhero that Hawkman did not notice, although he was sure Superman did.

...and Shayera was grinning at him. Maybe he wasn't as subtle as he thought.

But Hawkman's reply was addressed to his wife. "Well, today's loiterers could be tomorrow's criminals, if they don't find honest work..."

"So, what _do_ we do at these non-emergency meetings?" asked Hawkgirl, ignoring her husband.

"Mostly, we wait for an emergency to pop up," said the Atom.

"Hello, everyone," said Green Lantern. "What's the emergency?"

"Superman's bored. Are things as dull in Coast City as in Midway City and Metropolis?" asked Shayera.

Hal shrugged. "Well, the Tattooed Man got another new costume."

"Won't the man ever learn?" asked Katar. "A third-rate villain is a third-rate villain, what_ever_ he's wearing."

"Well, at least it's not pixie boots this time..." Hal looked behind him. "Oh, hello, Batman."

"What's wrong with pixie boots?" asked Bats.

"...You ever seen the Tattooed Man in them?" asked Hal Jordan, the Man without Fear.

"...Come to think of it, yes. What's he wearing _this_ time?"

"Yes, do tell," said Oliver. He and Dinah had just emerged from the teleportation tube.

Everyone turned around and stared.

"What are you people LOOKING at!" asked Oliver. "Haven't you ever seen a man in tights before?!"

Dinah gave both her own costume and Black Arrow's a quick lookover. No, they'd done a real good job of disguising all evidence of their little--detour--on the way to the teleporter. Superman could probably tell, if he really wanted to, but he'd never made note of that sort of thing before. She looked at Oliver and shrugged.

"I think this is our emergency," said Ray.

"Have you two switched bodies?" asked Hawkgirl.

"NO." said Oliver. "_I'm_ Black Arrow and _she's_ Green Canary."

"Right. Why do you think something's wrong?" asked Dinah.

"_Black_ Arrow and _Green_ Canary??!!" exclaimed the rest of the JLA, more or less in unison (well, except for Batman, who remained calm and looked for clues, quickly discovering evidence of the "detour").

"You've shown up in _fishnet stockings_ is what's _wrong_," said Katar to Ollie.

Ollie, seeing the return of normalcy, retorted, "No wronger than what _you're_ wearing, _beakbrain_. What, feathers and bondage strips the height of fashion on _Thanagar_?"

"What _nerve_, even for you, Archer. You show up in your girlfriend's costume and complain about what _I'm_ wearing?!"

"Dunno what you're talking about. I'm wearing _my_ clothes and Bird Lady's wearing hers. Though maybe _you_ should try Hawkgirl's costume sometime--at least we wouldn't have to look at your _hairy chest_ all the time."

"_Enough_, you two!" said Batman. "We need to get to the bottom of this, and you aren't helping."

"Actually," said Green Lantern, "I think we now know it's GA in the Canary's costume. No one else bickers with Hawkman like that."

"_No_," said Dinah. "_I'm_ Green Canary. _You_ should be able to tell, _Clark_, if no one else...!"

Superman shrugged. "All my supersenses confirm that you are, indeed, Black Canary and your partner in the fishnets is, in fact, Green Arrow."

"My observations would confirm that," said the Atom, growing to his usual six-inch height on Oliver's shoulder.

Ollie jumped. "Give us some warning when you do that, won't you? And for goodness' sake, _tell_ us before you go examining our innards! I _still_ don't know why all of you are so suspicious. You wouldn't have been replaced by aliens, or transported from a different dimension, would you have? And what's with the 'Green Arrow' stuff? Does _this_\--" he pulled a black boxing glove arrow from the quiver on his back--"look like a 'Green Arrow' to you?!"

"SorryI'mlate!" Flash rushed in from the transporter. "Good _heavens_!!!" he stopped dead in his tracks. "Did I miss the memo on 'costume swap day'?"

"If so, we _all_ missed the memo," said Atom. "_Everyone's_ trying to figure out why Green Arrow and Black Canary switched costumes."

"And _we're_ trying to figure out why you think we _did_!" said Ollie. "And _why_ do you keep calling us that?! It's _Black_ Arrow and _Green_ Canary!"

"What Earth are you from?" asked Barry, trying really hard not to stare at GA's legs.

"Earth-1. What about _you_?" said Dinah.

"Us too," said the Atom.

"And my ring says they're telling the truth. Or at least, they _think_ they are," added GL, not trying nearly as hard as Barry. Fishnets were a better look on Ollie than Hal ever would have expected.

"Maybe they're being impersonated by supervillains?" asked Katar.

"If they were, wouldn't the supervillains have gotten the costumes right?" Shayera pointed out.

"_Probably_..." said her husband. Who really wasn't, not at all, staring at Ollie's legs. Nor was he noticing that Dinah was kinda cute in the Archer's costume. He was a married man, a married _Thanagarian_ man, despite all the strange things that had happened during his time on Earth.

"Whom did you two fight last?" asked Batman, shifting into interrogation mode.

"What are you interrogating _us_ for? Doesn't the JLA have anything more important to investigate than Dinah's and my choice of clothing? How about investigating why you and Supie wear your _underwear_ outside of your tights?"

"To keep our tights up," said Superman. "And no, the JLA does not, at the moment, have anything more important to investigate. It's been a slow week, and the fact that two of our number not only have switched costumes--and changed their preferred codenames--but seem unaware that they have done so--seems an area worthy of investigation."

"And of taking pictures," whispered Hal to Barry. "They'll be worth a fortune whenever Ollie comes out of it..."

"I _heard_ that," said Oliver. "You think I look ridiculous, huh? At least I don't have bright yellow _handles_ coming out of my ears."

"Hey, those are lightning bolts..." said Barry.

"Enough!" said Batman. "_Whom_ did you two fight last--other than your _teammates_, that is."

Ollie and Dinah looked at each other. Dinah shrugged, and said, "Black Tie. Corporate criminal. He should be in Star City prison now, awaiting trial."

"Or out on bail," said Ollie, rather resentfully.

"Have you been exposed to any--rays, recently, that you can remember?"

"Other than me, that is," commented the Atom.

"Well, there was this purple ray Black Tie shined on us. It switched our clothes, but we changed back just fine..." Dinah shrugged. She was finding the events and clothing of the past twenty-four hours slightly difficult to remember.

"You say there was a ray that switched your clothes. How long ago was this?"

"Oh, about noon. I _don't_ know why you're so _concerned_ about our clothing! Is a man in fishnet stockings too _transgressive_ for you?"

"Yes," said Katar Hol and Barry Allen, each of whom had just managed to stop looking at said fishnets. Hal Jordan inwardly squirmed.

"It's just not _you_, Oliver," said Superman.

"And you think _I_ should be fighting crime in fishnet stockings and _high heels_, do you?!" asked Dinah.

"Well, yes," said Barry and Katar.

"You always have before," noted Shayera.

"We can discuss this _later_," said Batman. "Right now, I think everyone except Oliver and Dinah is concerned that Green Arrow and Black Canary's minds were tampered with.

"There was a ray at noon. Were you exposed to any other suspicious substances or rays since--when was it any of us last saw them?"

"I saw them both just yesterday," said Hal. "They seemed fine then."

"Since yesterday. When you saw Hal."

"_No_," said Oliver, crossing his arms.

"What did you do after being exposed to this 'purple ray'?"

"Went home and changed. What would _you_ do if you suddenly found yourself in the Robin suit?"

Several of the assembled heroes snickered at _that_ image. Batman was not one of them.

"When you changed clothes," asked the Atom, while Batman was busy glaring, "Did the clothes you changed into fit?"

"No, it was the darnedest thing," said Ollie. "The ray had shrunk all my clothing!"

"And made all mine too big. It was as if Black Tie had intended me to wear my man's clothes _forever_!" Both Green Canary and Black Arrow shuddered.

"It seems the ray affected their minds rather than their clothes," said Superman.

"It did _what_!?" exclaimed Oliver.

"...did you alter _all_ your costumes to fit you this afternoon?" asked Shayera.

"Only about half of them," said Dinah.

"Not much time until this pointless _meeting_ was called!" said Oliver.

"Half!" the assembled Justice Leaguers stared at Black Arrow and Green Canary in a mixture of horror and amusement.

"At any rate," said Batman. "Superman is probably right. The ray affected our minds. And since there is no other pressing business, I vote we go find Black Tie and get to the bottom of this."

"Now _wait just a second_! Star City is _our_ town and Black Tie is _our_ villain, that _we_ just turned over to the police. We didn't ask for your help, and I, for one, don't want the whole JLA stomping around and making a mess of things just because you're _bored_!"

"Oliver may be unnecessarily blunt," said Dinah, to the emphatic agreement of half the Justice League, "but it is true that we've already turned Black Tie over to police custody. For the time being, he is no longer a threat, and his crimes have never become a JLA matter."

"The last bit's certainly true," said Ray Palmer, from the computer screen. "He barely has a file. In fact, from what little we have here, he doesn't seem the type for ray guns at all."

"Black Tie is your standard sober, corporate slime-bag. He wouldn't even have a handle at all, if he hadn't pulled a few bank jobs--wearing a business suit--in his wild youth. Not the sort of zany, world threatening, superpowered menace _this_ outfit specializes in," said Ollie.

"He does have the capital for any number of ray guns," said Batman. "And, for that matter, for any number of lawyers--and bribes."

"He's in Star City, Bats--not Gotham. And the prosecution's got a good case this time."

"So he should be easy to find--for the moment, at least. And there's no harm in _questioning_ the man."

"Fine. Alleviate your boredom by interrogating our _villains_ about our _dress choices_. Enjoy yourselves. Forget _all about_ what _that's_ going to do to our street cred!"

"Great. Who's coming along?" asked Superman.

"...Does anyone have anything better to do?" asked the Atom.

No's and headshakes all around, except for Oliver, who said, "If you people are going to interfere in my territory, I'd _better_ come along."

Dinah gave her man a worried look and added "Me too."

"Great. Supes, you fine on monitor duty?" asked Ray.

"Can do. Be sure to report back," said Superman, with a grin, as everyone else climbed into the teleportation tube, including a grumbling Oliver Queen and a resigned-looking Dinah Lance.

\-----

James Cravat, just out on bail and walking out of the courthouse with his lawyer, nearly jumped out of his skin at the approach of eight members of the Justice League of America. Two of whom, he noted with an evil grin, demonstrated the effectiveness of his Clothing Ray.

"If you brightly colored gentleman--and ladies--" he nodded at Ollie and Shayera--" have anything to say to me, you can present the evidence in court next month."

"We just have a few--questions--to ask about our friends," said Hal Jordan. "And see this ring? It can tell if you're telling us the truth."

"They read me my rights, you know. I _know_ I have a right to remain silent."

"We...aren't the police," said Batman.

Black Tie looked around anxiously. Surrounded by superheroes (and separated from his lawyer, the cowardly man, he was going to have to dock his pay for this) he was feeling less and less like James Cravat, Businessman, and more and more like Black Tie, Supervillain. He hated it. "No, you aren't the police. You're a bunch of self-appointed, unsanctioned _vigilantes_, half of whom aren't even _human_, who put on Halloween costumes and think that gives you the right to enforce the law!"

"And you put on a business suit and think you're _above_ the law, Black Tie," said Black Arrow.

"At least I look less ridiculous doing it." Cravat looked at his handiwork and grinned.

"Stop it, you two," said Green Lantern. A large green hand took hold of the back of Black Tie's suitjacket and lifted him a few feet above the ground. James Cravat squealed. "Now, tell me what you did to my friends."

"Just a simple--Clothing Ray Gun--bought on the black market. Not life threatening. It'll wear off eventually. Now _put me down_!!!"

"Where is this 'clothing ray gun'?" asked Hal, lifting Black Tie up further. "And _is there an antidote_?"

"The gun's in police evidence! I think! It was with me when I got knocked out, but not when they carried me away! And I don't know of any antidote, but it does wear off! Honestly! I had it tested before I used it on Green Arrow and Black Canary!" The back of his suitjacket was starting to tear away from the sleaves.

"He's telling the truth," said Hal, putting Black Tie down--but not letting him go.

"Police evidence?" asked the Atom, from Shayera's shoulder.

"Let's get a look at this ray gun," said Barry.

"Now you behave yourself," said Hal, releasing the cowering Black Tie. All the heroes glared.

"At least until my _trial_," said James Cravat, as the superheroes disappeared into the police station.

"See! A simple clothing ray. Altered our clothes. Don't know what you're all so excited about," said Oliver.

"Well, there is the question of what happens when our clothing resumes its original shape, now we've altered it..." said Dinah.

"Damn," said Ollie. "We should have thought that through..."

The others ignored them.

\----

A tremor of excitement and fear ran through the Star City police headquarters as the eight superheroes walked through--a tremor with undertones of giggles, as people noticed Black Arrow and Green Canary.

"We need to see the chief," said Barry Allen, to the first officer behind a desk.

"Certainly, Mr. Flash. Come this way...all of you..." The officer's eyes widened, but he managed to suppress his reaction when he noticed the local superheroes' attire.

On the way to the office of the chief of police, the JLAers glimpsed what seemed to be the entire police force. It could only have been the small segment currently at headquarters, but this seemed to amount to rather a lot of cops. Everyone who could, turned out to gaze at the Justice League and gape at the local heroes' costumes. Their current guide seemed to be collaborating in this; as they walked, rather sullenly, at the end of the line, both Oliver and Dinah noted that they were taking the scenic route.

At last, they reached a door labeled "Chief of Police" and their guide put his head around the door and said, "The Justice League of America to see you, sir."

The Police Chief looked up, not entirely surprised, since the rumors had proceed faster than the superheroes. "What brings you all to my office?"

"A really, really, slow week," said Black Arrow, pushing through the others to perch on the edge of the chief's desk. The chief stared--no rumor quite prepared him for the actuality of _this_. "Honestly, they have nothing better to do."

Batman glared at him. At Oliver, that is to say, although the Chief certainly caught the edge of it. "We need to see the ray gun that was confiscated from James Cravat, called the Black Tie. It has affected two of our colleagues."

"Give it to them, then they'll find someone else to harass," said Oliver.

"We're _doing_ this for _your_ benefit, Archer," said Hawkman.

"I didn't _ask_ you to do _any_ of this!" The Star City Chief of Police watched with interest as Hawkgirl elbowed Hawkman under the wing, while Black Canary--rather fetchingly attired in Green Arrow's costume (minus the actual bow and arrows)--glared at Green Arrow.

"We don't usually release evidence to civilians, but I do believe we can make an exception in _your_ case." And, to one of the officers standing outside the door, "Lieutenant Hardwick! Fetch the ray gun from lot 2432 for the JLA."

"Yes, sir," said Lieutenant Hardwick, looking regretfully at the superheroes.

"I'd ask you to sit down, but we don't have enough chairs in here..."

"No problem," said Hal, and three more chairs were created. He, Green Canary, and the Flash sat on them, while Batman, Hawkman and Hawkgirl (with the Atom on her shoulder) sat on the real chairs. Oliver remained on the corner of the police chief's desk, giving the chief an _excellent_ view of GA's thighs and making him increasingly nervous.

It seemed an eternity before a Hardwick returned. A rather quiet eternity; Hawkgirl and Black Canary kept their partners restrained, and the many police officers who found opportunity to pass by the door remained as silent as the heroes.

Finally, Hardwick returned. Batman took the ray gun, Flash filled out the requisite forms in less than a second, and the heroes left.

The journey out of the police station was much the same as the journey in. The news that the JLA had come to visit seemed to have spread to, if possible, even _more_ cops, but they did take a slightly more efficient way out than they had in.

\----

"We have the ray gun," announced Green Lantern, as the leaguers emerged from the teleporter.

"Oh, good!" said Superman.

"Atom? Hawkman? Flash?" Batman pulled the ray gun out from under his cape and headed to the lab. The more scientifically inclined Justice Leaguers followed.

\----

An hour's analysis and much unproductive bickering later:

"Well? What have you discovered?" asked Ollie, rather sarcastically, as the scientific contingent emerged from the lab.

"Black Tie was right. The ray does not appear to be harmful," said Barry. "But we haven't found an antidote."

"It will wear off," said Katar, somewhat regretfully.

"...in maybe a week or so. Depending on the dosage," added Ray. "Moreover, the mental effects seem to be very specific. Other than the sartorial effects, Oliver and Dinah should be fine."

"Great. C'mon, Pretty Bird, I'm tired of hanging out with a buncha bored Justice Leaguers. Let's go back to Star City."

"...should we let them out like that?" asked Superman.

"They should be perfectly safe," said Batman.

"We should keep an eye on them, though. When this wears off, Oliver could get violent," said Hal. "I think I'll pay Star City a visit. Looks like it could be more entertaining than the Tattooed Man's costume changes."


End file.
